Yesterday was a day of piety and revelations about myself, my relationships and my devotion to God.     Yesterday, Sunday September 27 2009 was an day that got better as it went on. I forgot to set my alarm so I over slept and missed the 1st hour of church. This made me feel really upset and guilty because I love my church and I made a promise to Wendy that I would be there. I don't go to church for the materials gifts but to feel closer to christ and to recharge my spiritual battery. I will admit that I want to know what Wendy brought me back from China. I did remember to check to see it it was fast Sunday so I was able to start my fast early Sunday morning and stick to it until 6:35 Sunday night.
 It was a rainy, cold day and I just wanted to go back to sleep and skip out on my comitment to play flag football. I waited as long as possible for a sign that the game had been postponed before heading over to the AFC for the pre-game group meeting. I didn't have the entire 5 dollars for my team shirt "back that pass up" so one of the others girls boyfriends spotted me 3 dollars .  We didn't win our first match (6-26) but I had a lot of fun. After the game was over I went back to my room, talked to Michael, uploaded facebook pictures, did my laundry and got in the mood to catch up on homework. Brendan came over around 3:50 to hang out and have a study party. I was able to finish my overdue call Hw. I told B that he could bring a few shirts to be laundered he brought as many as he could fit into his bag. I ended up doin like 4 loads of laundry and incroating on Some one else, laundry time.
   I attacekd Brendan with some silly string whichh ended with my room being covered in the stuff which lead to me cleaning and dusting it. I am happy with myself for getting my room cleaned. I finally finished my overdue calc homework, I am starting to catch up and it feels great. I am just sitting down and doing my hw and once I have a place to start I can not just start my hw but finish it. I read and outlined the first chapter of the Cancer Book, I am half way finished with the second chapter. I was able to finish my physics lab and understand what happened during the lab. I scheduled to review the lab with my professor.

I hate myself, hate hate hate myself. I am fat and stupid. Vapid and uninteresting. I try too hard to be funny and i have ugly hair. sometimes i wish i didn't exists. I want nothing more then to not be. I hate Him even more for bringing out these feelings in me. I used to like myself, at least for a little while. Liking my self made me confident, it made me beautiful it brought me him but he only brought back the pain and self hate. Why oh why did i let my happiness reside with you and not in myself. I hate myself for existing but you even more for taking me away from my fantasy wherein i was happy to exists.
Hate, because you took all the love I had stored away for myself, you stole it from me so that makes you just as bad as the people in my past. You are no better then they for your ways cut just as deeply.
I hate myself, what is the last thing you said that you hated?

The last few days have been hectic! I went to my friend Blake's going away party. I have known Blake since I was in 6th grade and he was in 7th. We have not always gotten along but I don't want him to move away! He goes to Johns Hopkins and his family is moving to Texas so there is a large chance that I will never see him again. I am going to miss him.
His party was crazy fun though. There were tons of people there and even more alcohol. I got Brendan messed up by making him a couple of mixers. Fred ended up puking, Ben acted as the spokesman for MADD, Sara la Rue almost beat me in beer pong, I had fun talking to Em and Kirby, Tina and Bren had a civilized convo and I learned that Sasha is going to PITT. David Gibbson is back in town.
On Sunday I had to give a talk in church about free agency. I don't think that it went too well because I didn't really prepare for it. Everyone else like it though. I didn't mess around, as soon as I came in I sat behind the pulpit with the Bishopric. I am so happy that Clare and Alec are back home! Around 5 Bredan and I drove over to the Chapmans house for dinner. It was fantastic, I got to know Pooja better, talk to my co-workers and eat delicious Key Lime Pie. Pooja had pie for the first time yesterday!

Last night I went to an awesome summer party in McKeys Rocks. Courtney McFadden was the hosstess and it  was fantasic. Her bro provided a ton of alcohol and I made a bunch of new friends. I went their directly from work. Sam, Adam, Garrett, Tine, Mars bars, Sheradan, and Robert caught a bus from downtown to the bus stop in front of Courts house. They didn't stop drinking until the next morning. I had a lot of fun dancing and flirting. I tried perogie pizza for the first time, it was an interesting experience. 
I avoided making out with Chriss Hall, danced with Tim McFadden, a chem major ar Penn Main, flirted with Dan a little and genreally enjoyed myself. There were a few concering parts of the evening, such as Tims violent mood swings, Courneys mood swings, Chris and Mars Bars, and the bathroom flooding. I stayed awake until 5:40 am the next morning and caught the bus home at 6:20am. I didn't get home until like 8am. I slept in until noon and rolled into work around 1pm.

Bren is upset at me for not showing up at Pamelas on time. I am getting sick of him ragging on me. If he has such a problem with me showing up a little late he should start meeting me places. He complains that I am always late to hang out with him, he forgets that he can drive and I cannot. I am on other peoples schedules and so i tend to run late to things. I blow off other people all the time so that I can hang with him and he is so ungrateful about it. He wants me to get a cell so that he doesn't have to wait around for me any more. When I get my cell back I will put minutes on it just for him so that he will get off of my back about it. He honestly expects me to be perfect. It is getting really annoying. He isn't perfect and he sure as heck isn't trying to better himself in any way. I am going to put some distance between us before I am forced to break up with him.

        I cannot believe what I just did. I fell asleep at work, not for like 5 minutes but for over an hour.  In order for you to grasp the gravity of this situation let me provide you with some background information about what I do, where I work, and who I work for. Firstly, I work in the department of Biomedical Informatics at a major university. Secondly, I work in my bosses office... I mean literally at his desk because he does most of his summer work from home. Lastly, I work for a member of the bishopric in my church. If I had gotten caught sleeping on the job I could have gotten fired, been publicly humiliated or worst :/ . The reason that I fell asleep is because I am running on 5 hours of sleep over the past 3 days, I have spent more time jogging then sleeping. I am lethargic and on top of that I am getting over a head cold. I just need to get through the next few hour hour and then I can go home to my bed.

A few minutes ago my bf asked me for a letter that I lost months ago and instead of just telling him this I made a big fuss over not being able to find it. I wish that I could just tell him the truth about it but I don't want him to be disappointed in me. I am going to write a letter tomorrow and tell him that it is it.

   Today I rediscovered why I love Michael Buble and Fefe Dobson. When I hear their music I just want to get up out of my seat and sing and dance. I love the feeling of freedom that comes with dancing. I can't wait until Saturday, I am going to party and start enjoying my summer.

   I am experiencing some set backs at work. My boss wants me to get started on a new project but he didn't organize the patient directories correctly so I have to go and anonymize the sub folders... ughgh! When I am done here I am headed over to my aunts house to pick up my money then I am going shopping. When I get home tonight I am going to try whitening my teeth with peroxide and highlighting my hair with baking soda. I hope the peroxide doesn't weaken my teeth :/. Baking soda is an amazing substance, it can do so much! Today I learned that a paste made from baking soda and water can clean your hair. That stuff is simply fantastic!

(I am eight days into my diet/exercise plan and I am feeling great)

    So Melinda Sasso passed away on Friday. Melinda was a member of my church, a devout mother of twins, Martin and Emily, she was funny, smart, and fun to be around. I feel for her children who are now without a mother. I was surprised to see Martin in church today, he brought his father who is not a member. I was so proud of him, he is so strong. I am fasting from 9:30am-9:30pm and donating the money to their family.
 

TGIF! I am so happy that it is Friday. I have had an unbelievable crazy week. Some one has been trying to break into my house so the police can and attempted to dust for finger prints. My beau and I fought about my not having a cell phone,  my new mp3 player broke, my mother left me standing outside of my job for two hours and I have a varicose vein on my leg. ughgh!

The good things that happened to me are; I am trying to be healthier and combat the 7 hours I spend sitting in front of my comp reading Cracked articles so I have started dieting and exercising, and I realized that I can get 110 hours in on this paycheck if I come in at 9:30am for the next few days.


I am proud of myself for sticking to my diet/exercise plan but I am a little ashamed that I spend the last 2 hours setting up this blog instead of getting any work done.

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